


Moon Phase

by lunardance



Category: Homestuck
Genre: All of the Firsts, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fantrolls, First Kiss, First Meetings, First Time, POV Second Person, all of them - Freeform, except for the last chapter, references to abuse and abusive relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 10:18:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7310977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunardance/pseuds/lunardance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look through the eyes of a troll who should've died, and the one who saved him in more ways than he can count.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the cycle

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is kind of shameful, like idk who even reads full OC fic anyway, but whatever. I just felt like posting it, I guess.
> 
> The two trolls featured in this fic are [Erebus Mainyu](http://legendbent.tumblr.com/erebus) and [Lusine Morphe](http://legendbent.tumblr.com/lusine) from my original session, [Legendbent](http://legendbent.tumblr.com/). They are matesprits and I have a lot of feelings about them and how they came to be.
> 
> Last chapter will be explicit; I'll bump the rating up when I... actually finish it OTL.

**i. new moon**

The blood pools around you, and pain sears through your body as you frantically gasp for air. Even though all of your assailants have fallen, your pistol remains clasped in your quivering hand, ready to raise whenever needed. You’re certain that it will be; the ultramarine splatters aren’t the only ones covering the ground, and once someone sees the bright red fluid joining it, your death will be certain.

You’re fine with that. You don’t have much to live for anyway - you have no lusus to look after you, no quadrants, nobody else in this world who gives a damn if you live or die. You’d come to accept that your lifespan would be short anyway. Mutants are never destined to live for very long, and there’s no reason for you to think otherwise.

“Oh my gosh, are you alright?!”

Your head immediately shoots up at the voice, and you raise your pistol just as quickly. You can’t really see the figure in front of you - you'd lost your left eye in the struggle, and your sudden onset of dizziness is interfering with your good eye - but you can tell that it’s another blueblood, come to finish the job, of course.

You struggle to pull the trigger, but the more blood that leaves your body, the less strength you have to function. “Go away,” you spit, more blood oozing from your mouth, “or you’ll regret it.” As you speak, your arm begins to lower, and your vision is blurring quite severely as you continue to bleed out.

The voice, a distinctly feminine one, waves off your warning and continues. “It’s okay, I’m– I’m not here to hurt you…!” The person is drawing closer, you can tell. You growl menacingly in an attempt to ward them off, but it doesn’t seem to work. “You’re losing so much blood,” she says, “I’ve got to help…”

“Don’t touch me,” you snarl, shrinking back from her. You open your mouth to continue, but another wave of vertigo passes over you, and you barely feel yourself slump over. You feel someone grasp you as you fall - the grip is firm, yet gentle - and you barely manage another groan as your vision goes black.

* * *

**ii. waxing crescent**

You awaken in a place you don’t recognize.

The unfamiliar hive is surprisingly warm, but you barely notice because the pain has all but paralyzed you - you’re laying face-down on the floor, a soft blanket spread out beneath you. Any movement you try to make sends another explosion of agony through your muscles, so all you can really bear to do is stare at the fireplace rumbling in front of you.

A slight trilling noise catches your attention, and you just barely turn your head to see a lusus cautiously floating near you. It seems vaguely featherbeast-like in form, with a long craning neck and elegant wings curling around its body. It appears to be apprehensive, regarding you with a look of suspicion, but it finally looks away from you when its charge emerges into the room.

“Oh, you’re awake,” sounds the voice from before. You slightly move your head in its direction, and now that you get a good look at the troll, you see that she’s carrying an armful of bandages and medical supplies. Your body tenses up as she draws nearer, sending another surge of pain through your body, but you don’t have the energy to try and move away.

Somewhere in the back of your mind, you take note of her appearance. She's beautiful, really, in a serene kind of way, with big blue eyes and a heart-shaped face. Her long black hair gently curls around her cheeks, horns elegantly curving down toward her chin. She's of average height and very slim, with hardly any muscle; you wonder how she managed to lug your six-foot-two frame as far as she did.

But more importantly than that, compassion seems to leak from every pore of her body, and you really don't know what to make of it.

You open your mouth to speak. “What are you…” Your throat is dry and your lips are cracked; it feels like you’ve been unconscious for days.

The girl slowly kneels down next to you and gingerly grips your arm. Only then do you realize that the upper half of your body, including your head, is wrapped in bandages. How did this happen? Surely, this small, frail girl couldn’t have carried you all the way to her hive and did this all by herself? Moreover, why are you not dead? Shouldn’t she have culled you upon seeing the color of your blood?

She takes a washcloth and soaks it in disinfectant. “This might sting a little,” she says, gently pressing the cloth to a gaping wound on your arm. You sharply draw in a breath and clamp your teeth down on your bottom lip; she wasn’t lying. She cleans the wound as tenderly as possible before dressing it, then pauses to wipe her brow afterward. It seems like she’s finished.

You quietly watch each other for several long moments, the girl’s lusus hovering around the two of you - it’s still eyeing you warily, as if it’s afraid you’ll suddenly spring up and attack. But you couldn’t do it even if you wanted to.

She finally breaks the silence. “Did you kill all of them…?”

It takes you a moment to recall what she’s talking about, and then a wave of deep dark blue washes across your memory like the blood that you’d spilled. “Yeah,” you answer without hesitation, “self-defense.”

“…I see.” She looks disconcerted, but there’s a tone of understanding in her voice when she speaks again. “You really lost a lot of blood… you should rest.”

You don’t argue with that.

* * *

**iii. first quarter**

“It looks like most of the bigger wounds are closing,” Lusine says as she pulls back the bandages around your shoulder. “Your eye is going to take a lot longer to heal up, though. I’d be careful.”

As soon as she finishes checking the wounds, you pull your shirt back on as fast as you can. It’s still quite painful, but you’d rather bear that than the discomfort of her seeing your marred skin. “Understood,” you reply, pulling your long coat on as well, “I know enough basic first aid to care for them myself, so it won’t be a problem.” You then pull yourself to your feet and begin heading for the door to her hive.

You can feel her confused eyes burning holes into the back of your head. “… Where are you going?” she asks, concern evident in her voice.

“I’ve imposed on you for long enough. I’m well enough to care for myself now, so your assistance is no longer necessary,” you reply, looking back at her over your shoulder. If you had to wager a guess, you’d say it’s been about a week since she’d taken you in. She’d treated your wounds, given you food, helped you in your basic life functions, done more for you than anyone else you could remember - with the sole exception of your lusus, when he was alive. You, an abomination of a troll, had forced this girl to put her life on hold all for your sake, and you can’t stand the thought of doing it anymore.

Lusine stands and approaches you. “…you haven’t imposed on me, Erebus. It was my decision to take you in, after all.” She circles around you, looking you in the eye. “Besides… where will you go? If you go back out there… if you get too close to _them_  again, you’ll–” She doesn’t finish her sentence, but you can imply the rest of it.

“I’ll be hurt again,” you finish for her. “You’re right. I have no home to return to, so all that I can do is wander. But I’ve been doing it for sweeps, so I’m used to it.” Even when you lived with your lusus, your hive wasn’t much of a hive, so when he was culled, you had evacuated as soon as you could. You’d done fairly well for yourself since then, but…

You’re really getting tired of running. But you don’t know what else you can do.

Lusine looks as if she’s debating with herself - she shares a look with her lusus for a moment, then turns back to you, suddenly looking… timid? You aren’t sure what to call the look on her face, but what she says next throws you for a loop.

“Well… why don’t you stay here?”

You stare blankly.

Her face flushes slightly as she elaborates on her suggestion. “It– It gets lonely out here, it really does– and I’ve enjoyed having the company, despite the circumstances… but you said it yourself, you don’t have anywhere else to go. And do you really want to risk going out again…?”

You don’t, in all honesty. But you don’t want to put her out, either. As tempting as it is to have an actual home again…

Before you can speak, she cuts you off. “If– If you’re worried about imposing, please don’t be! I really don’t mind at all. There’s plenty of space in my hive since it’s just me and my lusus, and…” She trails off, looking down at the ground.

Her suggestion has left you speechless. Never has anyone, especially someone of such high social status, shown you such generosity. You really don’t deserve such a thing, but… it’s something she really seems to want. And you do feel as if you should pay her back somehow, for everything she’s done for you…

When you finally manage to respond, you can’t mask your hesitation. “I don’t… really have much to offer you…”

She gives you a warm smile. “It’s okay! Just the company would be enough, really.”

You want to smile back, but you think it would probably end up looking more like a grimace. “If it’s not a bother, then…”

“It isn’t. It’s no bother at all, I promise.”

You’re still unsure, but you nod anyway. You don’t think you could disagree with a smile like that if you even wanted to try.

* * *

**iv. waxing gibbous**

“So, when were you planning on telling me that your moirail is the emperor-to-be?”

“…eventually.”

You raise your eyebrow at Lusine, arms crossed. She’s looking down at the ground, anxiously shuffling her feet and twiddling her fingers. You’re not mad at her, really - more surprised than anything else. You think you have a right to be, though: your blood colors are the direct opposites of each other. Mutant versus royal. It wasn’t something you were prepared to respond to, so when she had introduced Charon to you, you’d frozen as he laughed and draped all six-and-a-half-feet of his lanky self over her.

“I know he seems intimidating, but we’ve been pale for several sweeps now, and… he can be gentle…” She seems embarrassed about the situation. Personally, you don’t want to bother associating with someone that high on the hemospectrum, but… if Lusine likes them, then they can’t be all bad, can they?

You shrug as nonchalantly as you manage. “It’s alright, you don’t have to justify it. I was just surprised, because, well…” You trail off; it should be pretty obvious to her.

She steps closer, reaching up to touch your arm. You tense up, but are quick to relax yourself. “…I know,” she says quietly, her expression sympathetic. “Your blood color. I haven’t told anyone, I– I wouldn’t do that to you. Most of the others seemed pretty accepting though, don’t you think?”

You sigh, thinking back to the meeting. It had only been Lusine's moirail and a couple of her other close friends, but you think back to the last several weeks - wherein you must’ve met at least ten other trolls, only half of which being any sort of polite to you.

Charon had put on a smile, but you just knew he was scrutinizing every inch of you. He had every right to, honestly; someone who masked their blood color like yourself had to be rather suspicious to the future emperor, right? You still didn’t like the way he looked at you, though, and the fact that he’s so close with Lusine made you a little uncomfortable as well. Not that it meant anything - you were just friends, after all, but… they were quite affectionate as far as moirails go, and you don’t know how to feel about that.

Kalani, the jadeblood, had gotten a little bit too close for comfort. She’d invaded your personal space before you could really protest, which would’ve bothered you less if she hadn’t immediately made a comment about how “handsome” you were and winking at Lusine. Lusine’s face had turned a brilliant blue and she’d looked away, stammering something about it “not being like that” which… you didn’t really get, but whatever. Kalani  _had_ given you a short lecture, though; she'd slung her arm over Lusine's shoulders and made a rather impassioned speech about what a "good catch" Lusine was and some of her other qualities that you lowkey already knew about. Though, you had to admit that you were mildly surprised when you learned that the two had actually dated for a while, but at least they were still on good terms.

The olive, named Ligeia, seemed pretty interested in you - she didn’t physically invade, but she was awfully curious about where you came from and how you met Lusine. You’d answered her, but in short, curt sentences, and she'd looked a little bit intimidated. You'd felt a little guilty about that; you'd wanted to make an effort to be polite to Lusine’s friends since she’d been gracious enough to introduce them to you, but as someone who hadn’t really had friends before, well… it was all a little overwhelming, especially for someone with such terrible social skills. 

At least the meetings had gone somewhat better than some of the other trolls you'd recently met.

Kalani had brought her own moirail along with her, a seadweller named Typhon, and you didn’t have to talk to him for two minutes before deciding that you hated him. He seemed like a typical pompous highblood, with the added bonus of being extremely vain and very, _very_  loud. Not to mention incredibly nosy, and when it was confirmed that no, you and Lusine were not in a quadrant, his response had been something about her still being available. That had made the both of you pretty uncomfortable, but Kalani had at least had the good sense to drag Typhon away before things got any further.

Kairos and Galate - navy and indigo - had come across you and Lusine on an outing, and neither of them seemed to want much to do with you. That was perfectly fine by you; highbloods like them had always rubbed you the wrong way in the first place. Lusine didn’t seem to care much for them either, but as her moirail’s other quadrants, she was still respectful of them. She couldn’t really tell you _what_  was going on there, though - were those two moirails or kismeses, and what quadrants did they even share with Charon…

You'd met an orangeblood called Nikeph - a typical kid, it seemed. Quite hyperactive. He hadn’t said much to you apart from asking if you FLARPed, to which your response had been a resounding no. You would give him the benefit of the doubt for now, at least; Lusine was friendly with him, so he couldn't be all bad.

There were several other trolls that you'd met who hadn't made much of an impression on you. Dienei, a tealblood, had come off as incredibly intelligent, but there was something a bit off about her, it seemed. Like she had her head in the clouds. Hestia, a maroon - considering she immediately started swearing at you, you were quick to write her off as someone who wasn’t worth dealing with. Yorath, a redblood (not a mutant like yourself, but not quite Hestia's color either) was honestly just a huge jackass toward both you _and_ Lusine. The tall, many-horned cobalt called Xyllia was intimidating in her own right and was more softspoken than you'd expected from a troll of her caste, but you didn't plan on making an effort on getting to know her. Zelmir, the only limeblood you'd ever seen in your life, seemed very aware of the rarity of his caste and was extremely neurotic as a result. You couldn't help but pity him a little. And the final one…

You hadn’t expected a troll as gentle as Lusine to even have a kismesis, but there he was: Sirius Asteri, a yellowblood who could not seem to stop smiling. There was something highly unusual about their interactions too, from what you could tell… Sirius appeared to regard Lusine with the utmost respect, and yet, all it did was make her uncomfortable. It didn’t help that she refused to elaborate on the nature of their relationship, so you could only assume that either they didn’t have any idea what they were doing, or it was incredibly unstable.

Either way, you didn’t want to pry. Lusine would likely tell you whenever she was comfortable with it. Maybe.

Her voice breaks you out of your reverie. “…and I know it must've been overwhelming for you, but. Kalani, Ligeia, Charon… they’re all good friends of mine.” Had she been talking this whole time?

“Uh,” you start, “uh, yeah, I… guess so.”

It’s Lusine’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “You weren’t listening, were you.”

You look away, rubbing the back of your neck sheepishly. “Sorry. I was just thinking about everyone you've introduced me to.”

“Oh.” She tilts her head at you, giving your arm the slightest of squeezes. “Well… I know it made you a little uncomfortable, meeting all of those trolls, but… you don’t have to get involved if you don’t want to. I just wanted you to meet my friends, because, well– you’re my friend, and I thought it might be good for you…”

“No, it’s alright,” you reply. “I know you had good intentions. It was just… overwhelming, as you said.”

“They’re a good group, really. For the most part.” Her hand drops from your arm, brushing against your own hand for the briefest of moments. She looks embarrassed again, but quickly covers it up with a smile. “It’s up to you if you want to try pursuing anything, though.”

You remain silent for a moment, considering your next words. Your hand is twitching the tiniest bit, as if it’s received a static shock. “…I think, as long as you’re there, then I’d be willing to try.”

Her smile briefly fades in favor of a surprised expression, but it quickly returns alongside a nod. She looks happy about the compromise, and truthfully, you feel much better about it too.

* * *

**v. full moon**

She isn’t in her respiteblock. Or anywhere else in the hive, for that matter.

Normally you wouldn’t give it too much thought, but this time is different. You’d awakened from one of your frequent nightmares, covered in sweat; usually, when this happened, you would find Lusine in her respiteblock and just talk about nonsense until your fear passed.

This time, she isn’t here. You don’t want to try going back to sleep, not without clearing your mind, so you decide you’ll just sit and wait for her return.

Eventually, you hear the door begin to creak open. Lusine shuffles in with her head hung, hair obscuring her face from view - she doesn’t even notice you there, leaning against her recuperacoon. You keep your voice quiet, so as not to startle her. “Good evening, Lusine.”

She jumps in her spot, lifting her head to look at you, but only for a split second - she casts her gaze back to the floor again, and you don’t get a good look at her face. “…h-hi.”

You raise an eyebrow. Something seems off; she’s acting awfully strange. Frowning, you step toward her. She’s turned her back to you, which you’ve never really seen her do - she’s always been so open and honest with you, so something is definitely wrong. “Is something the matter?”

Immediately, she shakes her head and mumbles something you can’t make out. As you draw closer, you briefly reach up to touch her shoulder, but she shakes you off. “I’m fine,” she replies, her voice shaky.

“Lusine,” you firmly start. You’ve known each other for quite some time now - nearly three-quarters of a sweep - and you’d like to think that you’re fairly good at reading her emotions by now. Not that she’s very good at hiding them in the first place; she wears her heart on her sleeve, which is one of the things you like about her.

She flinches at the tone of your voice and slowly, hesitantly, turns around. She keeps her eyes averted as she reaches up to wipe at her eyes with a sleeve, and you can barely make out a streak of blue. “It’s… it’s nothing.”

A bit more forcefully than you intend, you reach forward and grab her by the chin, forcing her to look at you. She whimpers quietly, closing her bloodshot eyes. “… You’ve been crying.” Your grip on her chin loosens. “Tell me what happened.”

“It’s nothing, okay? I went out and ran into my kismesis, that’s all!” She bats your hand away, and the movement brushes the hair near the crook of her neck aside - you can see a brighter, more concentrated shade of blue mottled on the flesh there. “Please, I just want to go to sleep…”

“Wait.” More gently than your last contact, you place your hands on her shoulders and brush her hair aside fully. There’s quite a large gash on her shoulder, and it’s still rather fresh from the looks of it. “… Can I at least help you clean that up, first?”

She nods reluctantly, and the two of you settle down in the large pile of feathers she keeps in her respiteblock. As you treat the wound, you learn about her other injuries - rope burns on her wrists and ankles, a large bruise in the center of her back. Such injuries are fairly commonplace in a kismessitude, but given what you know about her relationship with Sirius, the thought that he would treat Lusine in such a way infuriates you.

She’d eventually confided in you about the nature of their relationship, and you’d learned that it it was incredibly unstable - she actually did not agree to it out of attraction to him, but out of fear. They’d been together for nearly a full sweep before you met her, and every time they met had been a new lesson in emotional blackmail and passive-aggression. Very rarely did it ever get physical with them - in fact, this is the first time you’ve personally seen it happen.

When you finish dressing her wound, you turn her to face you again. “Listen, Lusine. You need to break it off with him, or someday you’re going to be hurt worse than this.”

“…I know,” she replies, gripping her skirt in her hands. “It’s just– I’m scared to. He isn’t right in the head, and I– I don’t want to think of what he could do…! He’s the type of troll that will go after someone close to you in order to spite you, and I don’t want anyone else getting hurt because of me…” She sighs and lays down in the feather pile, burying her face in her hands. “I’m just too weak to deal with something like that.”

As much as you like Lusine for her soft-hearted nature, part of you has to wonder how she even made it this far in troll society. Heaving a sigh of your own, you lay down as well, propping your head up on an arm. “You want to know what I think?”

She doesn’t answer. She just lowers her hands and turns her head to look at you, and you take that as an invitation to continue.

“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit,” you say frankly, “you’re stronger than you think. To be as gentle and selfless as you are, in the kind of society we live in… I think it takes a really special kind of strength.”

Lusine watches you quietly, her eyes wide. “You think so…?”

You shrug slightly, giving her a crooked half-smile. “If I didn’t think so, I’d be as crazy as Sirius.” She gives you a small smile of her own, and you adjust your position so that you’re very slightly leaning over her. “…and I have to be honest: even if he were a proper kismesis, I still don’t think he deserves you.”

Her smile turns somewhat sheepish, face flushed slightly blue. “Charon’s been telling me that since the beginning.”

“Well, he’s right.” You suddenly feel very warm. Whether it’s due to the temperature in the block or your close proximity remains a mystery to you. “Lusine. If things don’t improve between the two of you… then promise me you’ll try and find it within you to break it off. It’s painful seeing you in this situation, and I’m sure your moirail feels the same way.”

She gazes up at you for a moment before biting her lip and nodding. You feel a touch on your hand, and before you can react, she’s clasped your hand in both of hers and brought it up toward her chest. You can feel her pulse racing; your thinkpan barely registers the beat of your own heart. “I promise,” she says softly, giving your hand a squeeze.

The air feels like it’s full of static - your hair is standing on end, and you feel like one move could trigger a massive shock. The reason you came to her respiteblock in the first place has long been forgotten; her injuries barely linger at the back of your mind. Everything suddenly feels so tens, and you’re not exactly sure what to do about it. You watch her silently for several long moments, and she doesn’t break her gaze from yours. The silence isn’t uncomfortable, though - there’s a sense of contentment between you, and you almost feel like… maybe…

You don’t know what compels you to do it. Maybe it’s the electricity in the air that jolts you into motion, or maybe it’s because you’ve been unable to take your eye off of hers this whole time. But whatever it is, it’s urging you to lean down and rest your forehead against hers. You half expect her to turn away, but to your surprise, she closes her eyes and smiles, blush deepening. You take it as a good sign and allow your body to relax.

Eventually, you break the silence; quietly, because right now it feels like the entire atmosphere will dry up if you speak any louder. “… Can I ask you something?”

She just barely opens her eyes, and when she replies, her voice is just as soft. “Of course.”

“What made you take me in that day? You had no idea who I am or where I came from. I could have easily killed you if I hadn’t been close to death myself, but you didn’t seem to care about that. Or the color of my blood; anyone else would have culled me right away…” Your memories of that day are foggy, but this is the one thing you’ve always remembered clearly and have always been curious about. “So. Why?”

Her smile fades, and she opens her eyes fully. “You were hurt, and I wanted to help. I could feel how scared and miserable and lonely you were, and I– I couldn’t leave you like that. So… I just did what I would’ve wanted someone to do for me. I did what my heart told me to.”

You blink down at her, processing her words; your gaze falls to your clasped hands. Slowly, you spread yours out against her chest - her heartbeat is rapid and intense, matching yours beat for beat. “And what is it telling you now?”

She sighs softly - you can feel her breath on your lips - and closes her eyes again. “You’re not afraid anymore. You’re not miserable, and… you’re not lonely. It’s telling me a lot of things… things I haven’t felt before, things I want to _keep_  feeling.”

Her face is a brilliant blue now, and you’re certain that yours is extremely red as well. It feels like there’s a ball of fire in the pit of your stomach; you’ve never experienced such an extraordinary feeling in your life. You’re positive that if you were standing, you’d be falling over from dizziness, but that doesn’t matter to you. All you can concentrate on, all you _want_  to concentrate on is Lusine.

You’re at a loss, really. There’s no way to accurately express what you’re feeling in words, so you settle for the alternative: your hand slides up to rest against the side of her neck, and you tilt her chin upwards just enough to lightly brush your lips against hers - so light that you’re not sure if it’s even happening or not. She squeaks and touches her lips with her fingertips, and for a second you feel like you’ve made a mistake, but it’s quick to vanish; she places her hands on either side of your face and draws you back in.

The kiss is gentle, but there’s an underlying depth to it that ignites your nerves. It feels like sparks are dancing around in your thinkpan and your pulse is so rapid that you think your veins will burst from the pressure. As her hands move back to weave through your hair, yours dig down into the cushion of feathers below in order to wrap your arms around her back. You really have no idea what you’re doing, but she doesn’t seem to be complaining, so you can guess that you’re doing _something_  right.

Regrettably, the need to breathe overcomes you, and you eventually pull away. Both of you are a bit breathless, so you’re content to quietly watch her as the head rush begins to wear off. Finally, she speaks up again, and her words render you speechless (as if you weren’t to begin with): “I’ve wanted that for a long time…”

You’re completely taken aback. You knew Lusine tolerated you, even called you a friend, and it had taken you quite some time to accept that - as self-loathing as you tended to be at times, you couldn’t fathom the idea of someone _else_  thinking of you like that, much less in any sort of red context. It _is_  red, right? It has to be; you’re not familiar with the flushed feelings, truthfully, but there isn’t anything else it could possibly be. And now that you think about it, you’ve felt this way for some time yourself - you just never pinpointed what exactly it is until now.

Unable to voice your thoughts, you simply nod at her in response. She smiles brightly and guides your head to nestle beneath her chin, pressing her lips to your forehead along the way. So… where do you go from there? You’re flushed for her, she’s obviously flushed for you… you’re matesprits now, right? Your head is still spinning too much to really process what’s going on, so you’re content to just lay there in her arms, giving a relaxed sigh as her fingers comb through your hair. You guess you’ll have a proper feelings jam about this later, but this is just fine for now, because for once, you’re actually at peace.


	2. blue moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What... exactly are we...?"

**vi. blue moon**

On one hand, you’re not surprised by her question, but on the other hand, you are _totally_  surprised.

It had been an interesting few weeks for the two of you. Ever since that night when Lusine had come home after encountering her kismesis - good god you hated that guy - things had been a little bit… awkward. After tending to her Sirius-induced injuries - _good god you hated that guy_  - you both had ended up doing some serious cuddling in that big feather pile she keeps in her respiteblock. You’d even ended up kissing a little bit, which had felt great and new and scary and wonderful all at once, but now…

There was an odd kind of tension between you two. When you met her eyes, Lusine would give you a shy smile and resume whatever she was doing, her face tinged blue. If you ended up accidentally bumping shoulders, or if your hands happened to brush together, it would feel like waves of electricity coursing through your body. You almost _didn’t_  want to see her, because every time you laid eyes on her, your stomach would feel like you’d swallowed a lump of molten lead. It didn’t matter what she was doing: quietly humming to herself while preparing her baking ingredients, helping her lusus preen herself, pointing out constellations to you on her various star charts…

It wasn’t a stretch to say you’d become completely smitten with her. But you had no idea how to even handle these kinds of feelings, so you remained silent about them and tried to pretend like everything was normal.

It had worked fairly decently up until Lusine decided she was tired of pretending.

“Erebus,” she’d just asked you, “what… exactly are we…?”

All you can do in response is blink at her. As vague as her question sounds, you’re almost certain that you know exactly what she’s trying to ask. The expression on her face… it’s difficult for you to discern. She doesn’t exactly look _sad_ , but there’s an odd look in her eyes that makes you feel like someone’s reached into your chest and started squeezing your heart. The molten lead in your stomach starts heating up again.

“Well,” you begin hesitantly, searching for the right words to properly articulate your thoughts, “you’re my best friend, and I care about you a lot?” That much you aren’t afraid to admit. She _is_  your best friend - one of your _only_  friends, for that matter.

She doesn’t look satisfied. “I knew that already, and I feel the same… but there’s something else to it, isn’t there? You can feel it in the air, can’t you…?”

“I can,” you admit, giving her a small shrug. “I… don’t really understand it, though. It’s strange and unfamiliar… and I only feel it when I’m around you.”

Lusine silently watches you from her spot on the sofa. There’s a look of hesitation on her face as she starts moving closer to you - the closer she gets, the warmer you feel. And when she cups your face in her hands and draws you in for a kiss, you feel your insides go up in flames.

It’s the first time this has happened since the night of her encounter with Sirius. You still don’t know what to fully make of the feelings, but you quickly find that you don’t want them to stop. Gradually, you relax into the kiss, adjusting your position on the sofa so that you can place your hands on her waist.

She pulls away all too soon, her face heavily flushed; you can still feel her breath on your lips. “How does that make you feel…?”

You let out a breath of your own, her eyes boring into yours. You hadn’t realized that during the kiss, you’d drawn her completely into your arms so that her body was now pressed full-on against yours. You bite your lip as you carefully consider your words, trying to ignore the feeling of her fingertips brushing against your face. “…like I want to do it again and again,” you finally reply, voice barely above a whisper.

Her eyes light up. You only see it for a brief moment before she closes them and presses her lips against yours again. You feel your body relax almost instantly as she twines her arms around your neck and draws you in deeper. Your own eye closes as you return the kiss to the best of your ability; you’re obviously still a bit new to this. But you figure that in this instance, learning is half the fun of it…

It seems like the shortest eternity in the world passes before she finally pulls away, breathless and with a distant look in her eyes, like she’s staring right into your soul. You can’t deny that you’re doing the exact same thing.

She takes a deep breath and swallows, drawing a hand back to rest against the side of your face. “Erebus,” she whispers, “I’m flushed for you.”

The words hit you like a ton of bricks. You feel so warm with your bodies pressed together like this, your shapes molding perfectly to each other. It feels completely natural somehow, but… you can still feel that voice in the back of your mind, the one that constantly screams at you about how worthless you are, how you’re a disgusting mutant, how you should’ve been dead sweeps ago.

The thoughts are quick to overtake your mind, and you avert your gaze. You tighten your arms around her the slighest bit, as if she’ll fade away if you don’t hold on to her. In response, she tilts her head at you and gently strokes your cheek with her thumb, a look of confusion on her face.

“How?” you manage to choke out. “… _why_?”

Lusine’s expression immediately turns to one of concern. “I… I don’t know how to explain _how_  or _why_. I just am. It’s a thing that happened, and I can’t control it, and I don’t _want_  to…”

You meet her eyes again. “But I’m not worth it. You’ve seen my blood, you know I’m a freak. I should’ve died on that day that you found me. I don’t even deserve to be _near_  you, much less be your matesprit…”

She shakes her head, moving her hand to thread through your hair. “That’s not true! I know you, Erebus. You’re kind and thoughtful and gentle, and you’re not afraid to stand up for yourself, and…” She drops her head down to rest in the crook of your neck. “I feel so _safe_  when I’m with you. When I wake up in the evenings I look forward to spending time with you. And…” She reaches up to brush your lips with her thumb, “you have a wonderful smile… I want to see it more often. This pain that you hold in your heart… I can feel how much it hurts, and I want to take it all away.”

You swallow the sudden lump in your throat. You have no idea how to respond to her words - you never thought you would hear them from anyone. Before you met Lusine, you had never known the touch of another troll, or what it felt like to actually mean something to someone. Your lusus had done his best to instill kindness and compassion into you, but in the time after his death, the ideals had faded into dormancy.

But when Lusine had come into your life, you’d gradually started to feel those things resurface.

You tighten your embrace again, bringing one hand up to stroke her hair. “I never thought I’d hear those words from anyone, ever…”

“It’s true,” she responds, “you mean a lot to me…” She lifts her head and nuzzles at the side of your face, pressing a kiss to your cheek. “I want you to be happy. I just want you in general.” She drops her voice and murmurs into your ear, “Because I love you…”

Her confession echoes in your mind, and those terrible thoughts that had bloomed before now fell completely silent. And suddenly, everything makes sense: the shy smiles and coy glances you’d exchanged, the jolts you’d recieved at the slightest touch, the feeling of peace that would always overwhelm you when you were in her presence.

You exhale slowly, and give her a light nudge so you can look her in the eyes again. “Lusine…” You place a hand on her cheek. She leans into the touch, resting her hand atop yours - it feels so small in comparison, and the feeling of her soft fingers against your thin, bony hand fills you with a sense of comfort. “If– if you’ll have me,” you reply, feeling your lips curl into a small smile, “then I would be happy to be your matesprit…”

You close your eye and press your forehead to hers. “Because I love you too.”

For a moment, it’s silent, but even though you can’t see her, you can tell she’s smiling. And when she kisses you again, there is zero hesitation on your part - you return the kiss wholeheartedly, once again wrapping her in your embrace. She giggles happily in between kisses; the sound fills your heart with bliss because it was _you_  who made that happen. To think that you, someone who holds so much sorrow in his heart, could bring such joy to this girl who is so important to you… it makes you feel like you _are_  worth it.

Eventually, you break the kiss, and she moves her head back to purr into your ear again. “I’m so happy… I love you so much.”

Your smile is unwavering now, and you rest the side of your face against hers. “Say it again.”

She giggles in response and repeats herself over and over again, pressing soft kisses to your face the whole while. And you content yourself with just holding her in your arms, because you can’t even think of a time when you’ve been this happy, and you still don’t know how to deal with it. But, you figure as time goes on, your matesprit - _your matesprit_  - will help you in every way she can, and you look forward to every minute of it.


End file.
